The Coronavirus has caused quite a stir on our little planet of late. Since we are living in  the era of “fake news” it becomes difficult to be certain of the seriousness of the pesky little virus.

Toilet paper has been disappearing off store shelves because supposedly China is a main producer of toilet paper. Who knew? Perhaps the lettering on the toilet paper packages should be written in Chinese that way we would all become aware of that fact!

Since the virus originated in China people must fear a paralysis of the Chinese toilet  paper industry will follow. Thus ‘fake news’ or no ‘fake news’ the hoarding has begun.

I’m excited because this alarming situation has inspired my entrepreneurial juices. This summer I am going to plant field corn in my garden. To heck with the tomatoes, cucumbers, beans, carrots and peas.

I’ll hit the local farmer’s market if I need fresh garden vegetables.

Why plant corn you ask? Because of my extreme age I lived through the ‘corn cob era’ that many of you readers were never aware of. Because of those years of experience I will be able to save the planet from the toilet paper shortage crisis. Let me explain.

When I was growing up we did not have running water thus we did not have an indoor toilet in our house. Instead we had a high classed ‘two hole’ outhouse where my brothers and I had many serious discussions during our growing up years.

As would happen occasionally two of us would have  simultaneous calls from nature. Such events allowed us to take a break from chores and enjoy some ‘sit down’ time. We would visit about important things in our lives like, girls, sports, school gossip and probably cover the ‘girl’ topic one more time. 🙂

Now in those days toilet paper was a luxury and not a necessary outhouse item. The Montgomery Wards catalog was a common cleaning agent and provided reading material at the same time. The soft pages in the middle of the catalog were much sought after and the glossy pages were always last to be used.

But then there was the soft and gentle corn cob that was preferred by many over the glossy pages of those catalogs.

The ‘corn cob era’ reached its hay day when corn was picked by hand or with a corn picker. The whole ear of corn was picked and stored in a corn crib. Later in the fall the ears were run through a corn sheller and the grain was fed to the livestock.

The corn cobs were discarded and formed a huge pile on the ground. They were gathered up and stored and became perfect material to burn in the kitchen stove on cold winter mornings. Also cobs were used to fuel the tank heater that kept the water from freezing in the stock tank.

Some of the cobs made it to the outhouse and became a rather cumbersome cleaning agent for the bathroom goer. Since our family did not use that method of hygiene I was not able to experience its use. I can only imagine how it must have felt and that’s as close to the actual experience as I want to get. 🙁

But now back to my plan for next summer and a garden full of field corn.

I am so excited. I can’t wait for the arrival of summer. I just remembered I have an antique shucking glove that has been passed down from generation to generation in our family.

A shucking glove is a piece of leather that wraps around your hand with the fingers exposed. In the middle of the leather is a metal hook that is used to remove the corn husk from the ear as the ear of corn is snapped from the corn stalk.

The ear of corn is then thrown into a trailer as the harvester moves quickly down the corn row.

During those years there were contests to see who could harvest the most corn in a given time period. By now ‘corn picking’ might have been a professional sport had not the combine been invented.

So this fall I will don my antique shucking glove and harvest my potential corn cob toilet paper.

First I will have to locate and an old fashioned corn sheller which is a really cool machine. The operator turns a crank and an assistant drops an ear of corn into the sheller. My wife does not know this yet but she will be my assistant.

The shelled corn falls into a pail under the sheller and the corn cob is spit out the back of the sheller.

Being very conservation minded I will save the shelled corn and it will provide pheasant, squirrel and deer food throughout the winter.

I haven’t figured out all of the details yet. I will gather up the cobs and package them. Hmm, maybe I’ll use Chinese lettering on the packaging. 🙂 China might end up being my best customer.

And if this shucking process is something that I have a skill for I may seriously look into developing a shucking team and take my team on the road and challenge some local farmers to a contest or two.

Heck, if Curling can become an Olympic sport I think corn shucking would have a pretty good chance of making the Olympic scene too.

So much to think about! So much to do!

Do you think solving the toilet paper shortage would put me in line for receiving the Nobel Peace Prize? Something to consider. 🙂

Until next time.